Pencil skirt, tick!
Corporate buzz words, tick!
No idea what the hell I am doing whilst getting paid, tick!
Yes, everyone within close vicinity of me can now breathe a sigh of relief, because the whinging will now cease, for 'tis true, I have scored myself a job!
That’s right Scooby Doo, a real Rrrrrrrob!!!!
I am back working for the man, having pow wows and conference calls, making pie charts and fist pumping people while I chit chat by the water cooler.
Sigh, I only wish I were that cool.
Instead I am forced to do that thing we all have to do at some point in life.
Be the new kid.
And unfortunately for me, I don’t seem to be the kind of new kid we all loved at school either, you know the one.. steps into the classroom with a sick spiral perm, rocking a slap bangle and a 90210 pencil case. The world (playground) was that kid’s oyster.
Everyone wanted to be their friend. That curly haired, shiny new toy from the big smoke. Kids would line up to lead them around and show them where the good bubblers were, and provide the inside on what handball comps they should definitley get in on.
Me, not so shiny.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I am in the corner kicking rocks and eating a devon sandwich..Ok well that did happen on Tuesday but that’s only because I got locked out of the building at lunch time.
First days are always full of nerves for me.
It may come as a shock to you all but I am quite tragically shy and awkward especially in unknown situations. Whilst I am in some cases quite confident, in others..well I am a frail vitamin D deficient child who is scared of the sun. I seriously turn from relaxed and happy go lucky into a frightened, skittish field mouse scared of everything the minute I am forced to face small talk with new people. I HATE small talk.
I actually tried a water cooler conversation yesterday, about the weather. They looked at me like I had just told them I had given birth to 6 lamingtons and would they like them for morning tea (actually, how tops would that be!..no wait).
I HATE being the new kid.
Fun conversations between them all, about weekend activities whizzing past my head as I try to look cool as a cucumber, hoping no one has noticed I have somehow caught my skirt in the desk draw and can’t unlock it…nope it’s jammed.
The cool kids asking each other who wants a latte, while I realise I have managed to get blue ink all over my face, chewing it in an attempt to look like I was concentrating on a report and not my sans caffeine hurt feelings.
Yes that’s the other factor we all need to remind ourselves of, aside from new kid jitters… Emma’s law; what can go wrong, will go wrong!
So far this week I have;
Locked myself out of the building and had to call someone I spoke to only once, to let me back in.
Was talking to myself while under a desk setting up a video conferencing call, not realising it had been set up and I was beaming out live to 23 people.
Tried a little too hard to show off to the Comms team my expertise in laminating perfection, and jammed the whole god damn machine.. it was a cool smoke machine for a good 5 minutes though (silver linings!)
Lost an armful of work during a homeless man/ skip bin mishap that I would rather not ever think about again.
Skirt update....still jammed and I am about to rip my way to freedom.
It has only been a week.
The upside is I am slowly settling in, and this afternoon on my way home from work I think I will be ok and not have to sing along loudly to Echosmith's Cool Kids while sobbing and cursing to myself in the rear view mirror on what my life has become. ..baby steps.
I will be OK, people around here are actually very nice.
They are even starting to ask me to move out of their way and to help them carry stuff.
As long as I keep thinking about the words of my guru Brenda Walsh and remember ‘Everyone here looks like they stepped out of a music video. I don't even have the right hair’.